the condom got lost in my hair
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
