Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
