Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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