Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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