I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my shit smells like andre
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
