Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
