In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
