i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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