You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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