i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Randomize
