Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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