Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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