so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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