Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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