I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
