Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
