pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
