I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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