Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
