I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Randomize
