My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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