She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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