ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
