Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I forget how to act sober
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