So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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