Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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