I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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