Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
