Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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