I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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