My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
