Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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