Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
