Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
