I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
