dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
