When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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