my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My pussy is not your playground.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have fence marks all over my body
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
