I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
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