Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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