everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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