It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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