I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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