Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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