I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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