Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
