Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
