I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
