Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
