Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
