Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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