mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
