I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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