I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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