I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
