I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
