I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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