You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
