I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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