Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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